TITLE: i'm addicted (but i can't stand the pain inflicted)
WORD COUNT: 5,3k
WARNING: cursing, brief mentions of sex
SUMMARY: Jackson knew from the very beginning that the thing he had with Jaebum was just temporary bliss (inspired by the song "temporary bliss" by the cab).
When they first begin with their thing they only do it when they’re 100% sure that nobody is around to see them, for example in the dorm meanwhile the others have vocal/dance/rap lessons or during dance practices late at night, pressed against each other in a tiny bathroom stall.
Jaebum would start it (always Jaebum) either with a quick lust filled glance directed at Jackson or with a teasing hand running down Jackson’s spine.
But then they make their official debut and there’s no chance for them to be sure that no one will see them, so they quickly mess around in the waiting room couches or in the toilets of wherever their schedule is at (always messy hand jobs or half assed blowjobs that leave Jackson breathless).
They fuck for the first time when the promotions for their debut mini album finally end and they’re tired and worn out but Jaebum looks at Jackson with those desperate brown eyes.
And well, Jackson can’t say no.
Surprisingly, or at least for Jackson, it is him that bottoms, Jaebum taking him apart with his fingers.
The leader doesn’t stay overnight in Jackson and Mark’s room, he simply cleans himself up, says a quick “thank you” over his shoulder and leaves the room without another word.
It’s the first night after a long time that Jackson feels like crying.
And the pain he feels in his ass the next day makes everything Jackson is feeling at the moment so much worse.
No matter how Jackson feels, he can’t stay away from Jaebum, so it happens a few times again, mostly during their downtime were the other boys are too busy with visiting family or hanging out with friends to notice what’s going on between the two band members.
Still, Jaebum almost never stays overnight with Jackson and when he does; he’s always on the other side of the bed.
The way Jackson’s inside churn every time it happens makes Jackson feel like a pre-pubescent heartbroken twelve year old.
They start practicing for their next comeback after only one week of “scheduled holidays” (Jackson knows it’s more than most k-pop artists get these days, but it’s still not enough).
The choreography is difficult for all of the members, not even Yugyeom is grasping the concept completely; it has them all sweating rivers and frustrated every time they finish dance practice.
And so, Jackson and Jaebum call their little escapades short (even though Jackson has to admit, that seeing the leader dancing with so much passion as a single sweat droplet makes its way down Jaebum’s face is making Jackson’s dick twitch way too often for his own well being) only a few hand jobs here and there in the company’s toilets when the elder needs to take out his frustration.
It’s the day before their comeback showcase that Jackson realizes why he isn’t just telling Jaebum to stick his dick up his own ass even though he’s hurting so much because of the other.
Jackson is in love with Jaebum. Period.
Of course Jackson had known that he at least was kind of really attracted to Jaebum, he just hadn’t ever thought about the possibility of actually starting to care for him in any another way that’s totally not platonic and/or friendship-y.
The next day Jackson messes up in a performance for the first time.
After his realization, Jackson avoids Jaebum like a plague.
When he is ordered to sit next to the elder, he sits with Mark for more comfort; it’s not like the fans mind. In interviews he doesn’t lean in on Jaebum anymore, preferring to make fun of the hosts or MCs instead; he also avoids having to sit with Jaebum in their van and if he absolutely has to, he turns towards the other members and talks with them about anything and everything.
Fortunately his rising variety and acting popularity makes it easy for him to be apart from Jaebum as he gets more invitations to shows and scripts than he can actually handle. His schedule is more packed than all of the other members’ combined, so he should be happy about all of that, right?
Nevertheless, his heart still stops when he sees that Jaebum doesn’t seem to be affected by Jackson ignoring him at all.
Got7 make their next comeback with their first full length album.
The fans are pleased, which means that the group gets even more love and shows to attend to, but Jackson still feels empty and broken.
When promotions end and Jaebum still acts the same indifferent way with him, Jackson decides that he can’t take it anymore.
He flies back to Hong Kong (only JYP entertainment, Mark and Jinyoung knowing about it, the younger members only getting the news about it now that he is already on the plane back, because Jackson left them each a two sheets handwritten letter) to film for a new upcoming Chinese drama and to record a collaboration track with the well known Chinese singer.
He sees GOT7 daily, but only through the Internet and sometimes when he video chats with Jinyoung or Mark.
If he is honest he misses them, one person maybe a bit more than the others, even so, he decides to stay put and finish his overseas activities (and to enjoy the time he has with his mother and father at home).
Rumours about him making a solo debut in China start to spread like a wildfire when his duet is finally released to the world alongside with a self camera themed MV (rumours about him leaving JYP also start to spread, but he wisely ignores them).
It’s then that he hears from Jaebum for the first time after he had left, almost one and a half months later.
“Hey, you, Wang Jackson, what the fuck do you think you’re doing, huh?” he hears through the phone.
Jaebum’s voice sounding upset and angry and Jackson has missed him so, so much.
“What does this mean? Are you going to do a solo debut and leave the band behind now? Or are you really going to leave JYP too? Are you really so selfish, huh? Are you so selfish that you don’t even think about the consequences of what you do? Of how much this could ruin the band’s image to the public because of this fucking collaboration?”
As Jackson smashes his phone against the wall of the room he has been staying at, he doesn’t feel any regret; he just angrily throws anything he can reach to see it break, just like his heart, because Im Jaebum does not care about him in the slightest.
He buys himself a new phone two days later, after his manager nags on him because he can’t reach him properly if he doesn’t have a mobile phone.
When his manager tells him that he has to go back to Korea (to go back to Jaebum after two months) to train for GOT7’s upcoming comeback with the others, the first things he does is call Mark.
The reward he gets is Mark yelling at him.
“Jackson, you, ugh!” the other exclaims frustrated. “Do you know how many times I’ve called you? We’ve called you for the past few days?”
Jackson bites his lips nervously as he listens to the other, his heart beat beginning to speed up.
“Jinyoung was worried sick about you, that boy seriously has a mother thing going on for you, I swear he almost got on a plane to drag you back by your ear!” Mark continues; his voice adorably cracking at the end of the sentence. “And Im Jaebum, that little bastard, he-“
“Stop,” Jackson whisper/shouts into the speaker.
“What?” the other replies, confused.
“I said stop, Mark,” Jackson quivered out. “Don’t mention him for now, please.”
“Jackson, what the hell? Are you okay?”
“No,” he answers, his free hand forming a tight fist. “No, I am not okay. I haven’t been okay since I first fucked with Jaebum; I am not alright at all.”
“Jackson…” Mark sighs.
“Don’t worry about me, hyung,” Jackson cuts in again, using Korean formalities to make the elder relax a bit. “I’ll get over it, after all, this thing I had with Jaebum was just temporally bliss, but well, after bliss like that, you always get hurt, don’t you? I’ll still try my best to just get over it already.”
“Okay, yeah, I am here for you Jackson, you know that right?” the other asks, voice thin and full of worry, seemingly confused and kind of speechless. “You should’ve told me you had something with Jaebum…”
Jackson breathes out slowly, trying to calm himself down.
“Yeah, sorry, I know, ah, and between,” he tries to make his voice as cheerful as he can at the moment. “Tell the kids I am okay and take good care of them until I am back, yeah?”
“Of course,” Mark says. “And when are you actually coming back? It’s been a long time, two months already. We all miss you. It’s all so…. quiet over here now. And tense.”
“Uh, that’s actually why I called…. I am… I am going back by the end of this week, when my Chinese schedule ends, so that we can start training and recording for our next mini album.”
“That’s good, that’s really good,” Mark’s voice is considerably happier now, Jackson notices. “Have I ever told you how loud Youngjae snores? I think the fire alarm could start and it would be quieter than him.”
Jackson barks out an awkward laugh before biding his goodbye and then going to take a long, stress releasing shower.
Jackson starts to pack his thing the day after the call.
He packs them slowly, remembering when he used the piece of clothing or why he had bought that really expensive tea for Jinyoung that one time he had gone to the market with the rest of the drama cast. Jackson can’t help but smile.
He refuses to believe that he is going back. Not even when he is boarding onto the airplane with his manager patting his shoulders in a slightly awkward manner.
Jackson isn’t sure how the others will react to him, how Jaebum is going to react to him being back, neither how he himself is going to react to the other(s). He’ll probably want to punch Jaebum in the face, repeatedly, and ask why he had been like that, why he had never stayed with him at night, what he had done to be treated that way.
But Jackson knows he will have to act like nothing had ever happened, it was the best for the band and maybe even for himself, too.
When he first arrives back in Korea, he realizes how much he has actually missed the country. What with the hushed voices behind him talking in perfect Korean, the elderly ladies working at the airport fussing over him to see if he’s tired and the welcomed home-y feeling it had given Jackson when he landed.
He can also hear the fans waiting outside, chanting his name although it’s already 4 a.m.
Jackson is overwhelmed with the need to cry when he is finally allowed to step out and see his fans. He sees some familiar faces of some fansite owners, with their huge cameras and big smiles as they get to see him again, he can also recognize some fans who usually only come to fan meetings.
Not sure how he should express his happiness, he decides to smile brightly at them, take his sun glasses off and bow, repeating how thankful he is to be back and how much he has missed being able to meet them and takes the gifts they have prepared for him with a thankful bow and a grin; he also poses weirdly for the cameras and then laughs it off easily, the fans seemingly pleased.
But when he arrives at where the van is waiting for him and the staff, he feels his heart hurt a little at the perspective to have to leave again. For a moment, all he does is take everything in.
“Thank you so much, I love you!” he exclaims loudly as a farewell. “Really, thank you so much! Let’s be happy together, okay?”
He had never thought that coming back to Korea would make him so happy, but as he enters the van and waves to the fans for a last time, the feeling of dread comes back again. His stomach churns all the way to the dorm.
Jackson takes in a deep breath when he finally arrives at their front door.
It feels like the door in front of him is mocking him, what with how it’s still closed even after Jackson has been standing there for more than fifteen minutes now. He knows he probably sounds like he’s gone nuts, but he can’t bring himself to open it, scared of what will happen if he really enters the apartment he’s been away from for such a long time.
With a shaky hand, he slowly approaches the door handle. His fingers feel numb as he finally touches it, another unstable breath leaving his mouth ere he presses it down carefully and pushes the door open, the dark entrance hall now to be seen.
There are loads of shoes thrown every which way and he thinks he can also spot the jacket he had sent Mark from Hong Kong somewhere in the open closet.
He steps in, quietly pulling his suitcase in too, as the others are probably sleeping at the moment (it’s 5 a.m. what would they be doing now if not sleeping?).
Instead of crashing on the couch (because Youngjae is sleeping in his room) he prefers to wash himself up and tidy up the living room a bit (ditching the trash in the garbage can and putting all of the members’ clothes in a neat pile).
By the time he finishes, the sun is already out, so he sees no point in falling asleep now. As he has nothing to do, he decides to prepare breakfast for the members. He thinks it’s the least he can do for having been away for such a long time and not being able to help them get through tiring schedules, home sicknesses and what not.
As he is already setting up the breakfast table, he hears a door from the room – Jaebum’s room – nearest to the kitchen open loudly.
His body stiffens immediately, his breath getting stuck in his throat as his hands begin to shake slightly again.
“Jinyoung?” he hears the leader’s sleepy voice call out.
“No,” he answers quietly but still loud enough to be heard. “Not Jinyoung.”
Jaebum is rubbing his eyes as he enters the kitchen in grey jogging pants and a white t-shirt, but stops immediately when he sees Jackson setting up the table with his head low.
“What the…” Jaebum grumbles.
“Nice to see you too,” Jackson answers, now standing upright.
He feels like his heart is going to explode as his fingers itch to just go to Jaebum and press him against his own body and never let him go again. To stop himself from doing so is more difficult than he had thought.
“Fuck you!” Jaebum exclaims. “You fucking asshole, what are you doing here?”
“They wanted me to come back,” he responds truthfully. “I was missing the boys anyway.”
“You selfish little idiot!” Jaebum yells, coming nearer. “Do you think you can go and come whenever you please? Huh? Do you really think you are so great that we need you to come back?”
“Jaebum, stop,” he mutters.
“Why would I stop? Because you tell me to? Fuck you, Jackson!” the elder continues, ignoring his words. “Not everything revolves around you! And not everyone has to do what you tell them to! I can’t believe how selfish you’ve become!”
“Jaebum,” he says with a hushed voice; Jackson can already feel how angry he’s getting and if this keeps going on, nothing good will come out of it, he’s sure. “Stop.”
“No! Jackson, tell me why you left, huh! Why you only thought of yourself and not the band that you left behind? Why you came back when you obviously were having fun in Hong Kong?” the leader yells even louder now, his nose almost touching Jackson’s, his hands dangerously near to Jackson’s chest, as if they were planning to push him into the counter soon. “You coward! Answer me! Why aren’t you answering me? You bastard!”
“You want an answer, Jaebum?” Jackson finally explodes; his voice low and kind of sounding extremely pissed off. “Do you really?”
“Yes, I fucking do!”
Jackson’s mouth forms into a bitter smile as he finally looks up at Jaebum.
“I left because I didn’t want to see you! I left because every time we fucked and you left, I felt like I was a fucking 12 year old with a broken heart!” He shouts. “Because I fell in love with you and you so obviously just wanted a quick fuck! I left because I couldn’t stand feeling so good around you when you obviously didn’t feel the same about me! I left because when I finally realized how I felt about you and ignored you, you didn’t even seem to care! I left because being around you hurt me! That’s why I left, so don’t you dare to call me selfish when it was you, who played with me for your own sake! When you are the one who doesn’t care about other’s feelings as long as you get the satisfaction you need! So fuck you, Jaebum! Sincerely fuck you!”
When he is done, he’s breathing heavily and has both his hands balled into fists as he looks at the ground.
“I had to go to China sooner or later, I decided for sooner because of you. Are you satisfied with my answer?” he asks; his gaze now boring into Jaebum’s eyes instead of the floor.
Jaebum doesn’t respond. He just stands there, almost as if he had been petrified.
It pisses Jackson off even more.
“Have a good fucking meal, Jaebum!” he says, pushing the leader out of the way and getting out of the room, quickly collecting his phone, wallet and hoodie before entering the entrance hall, putting on – Mark’s? – shoes.
The door shuts with a loud bang when he leaves.
He didn’t get much time to himself though, because almost ten minutes later he had received a call from his (angry) manager to get his ass over to the salon so he could get his hair done and head over to his “welcome back to Korea” schedule.
Jackson had just sighed as he called for a taxi.
Why is your stuff here and not you, Jackson? And why did you take my shoes?
I moved your things into our room, hope you appreciate this, you dick
Heard you made the breakfast today! It was good!
Jackson smiles at Mark’s messages during the shooting break. Although he smiles, he wonders if he should tell him the truth about what happened with Jaebum today or if he should just give him a lame excuse the other probably doesn’t even believe.
He decides for the later.
I was short of time so I just let my stuff lying there and took your shoes accidentaly, sorry and thank you! I appreciate it, don’t worry! Going back to recording now, hyung!
It’s a déjà-vu, it definitely is.
Jackson has been staring at the front door for a lot of minutes again; he wonders if it’s going to be like this every time he gets back to the dorm; he wonders if he’ll ever be able to feel comfortable again with living in the same house as Jaebum.
When he finally takes all his courage once again and opens the door, he is greeted with the image of Jinyoung’s butt in his face meanwhile Bambam is flicking the former’s forehead. A laugh escapes from his lips before he even realizes it.
Now, he has two pairs of eyes boring holes at him as he can’t stop laughing, tears already having formed.
But he, all of a sudden, feels a sharp pain on his forehead, which makes him stop abruptly and look at Jinyoung, who had flicked him, offended.
“You douche,” Jinyoung says just before he jumps into Jackson’s arms. “I see you for the first time after two months and you’re already laughing at me, what is this?”
He squeezes the other lightly, pressing his forehead against the others shoulder as his amrs encircle Jinyoung in a tight embrace.
Jackson’s definitely missed him.
“Sorry,” he replies, smile forming on his lips.
Soon enough Bambam joins them, whining about Jackson leaving them without saying goodbye (but Jackson knows it’s his way of saying that he’s glad Jackson is back).
For a moment he forgets that he even has a problem with Jaebum.
When he finally enters the living room (when he and Jinyoung had finally been able to let each other go, Jackson reassuring the other that no, he wasn’t leaving again, not in a long time, and surely not without him) he sees all the other members, sans Jaebum, already there waiting for him.
Mark has a big grin on his face; meanwhile Yugyeom and Youngjae just look at him with furrowed eyebrows and identical pouts.
He immediately advances towards the two, trying his best to hug them simultaneously although Yugyeom is obviously much taller than him and Youngjae. They wrap their arms around him, also hugging the living shit out of him.
“I’ve missed you,” he murmurs into their ears with a smile.
“We missed you, too, hyung,” Youngjae replies with a meaningful squeeze to add to the dramatics.
When they part, Jackson’s eyes instantly zero on Mark, a smirk making its way on his lips.
“Hyung~”, he shouts.
They celebrate him being back with an immense order of chicken and some candies (the Soju hidden away from the youngest, so that Jinyoung, Mark and him can drink it after the others go to sleep). Jackson knows that this party of sorts is more for them than it is for him; he actually just wants to go to bed and call it a night, but the members look so happy, he doesn’t have the heart to tell them that.
(Jackson wonders where Jaebum is.)
It’s 1 a.m.
Bambam, Youngjae and Yugyeom are leaving to go to sleep.
(He still hasn’t seen Jaebum yet.)
It’s 2 a.m.
Jinyoung and Mark have already had a couple of Soju glasses too many, but Jackson just watches as Jinyoung clings onto him and as Mark sleepily looks at the roof while he tells some weird story about Yugyeom and cross-dressing.
It’s 2:30 in the morning.
Jinyoung smiles at him happily before he mentions Jaebum for the first time.
“Jackson,” the younger says loudly all of a sudden. “I am happy you’re back.”
“I am happy to be back,” he answers honestly, ruffling Jinyoung’s now dark brown hair.
“Do you know why I am happy that you’re back?”
“It’s because you missed me?”
“That too, but,” Jinyoung lets out a quiet laugh. “Now that you’re here, Jaebum won’t be so angry all the time. And he won’t close himself off from us anymore.”
“Jinyoung-ie, you’re talking non-sense, you should go to sleep,” Jackson laughs, trying to avoid the topic.
He doesn’t want to hear anything that could probably make him crave for Jaebum even more than he already does.
“It’s not non-sense!” Jinyoung protests, slapping Jackson’s thigh. “It’s the truth!”
“Jinyoung, you’ll wake Mark up!”
“I don’t care! You need to believe me!” he slurs. “Jaebum was so pissed off!”
“He was pissed off this morning when he saw me too,” Jackson says.
“I know. I heard you two.”
Jackson’s eyes immediately dart to look at the other’s face, dread already making its way back to him. He hadn’t noticed Jinyoung being awake, in fact, he had checked to see if any of the members were awake before actually setting the table, how could he…?
“I was so glad you finally told him,” the other smiles. “He was being a dick to you for a long time just to be selfish; he told me all about it once, you know, but I thought he was just… you know fooling me or something.” Jinyoung hiccups. “Until you told me you were leaving, I hadn’t realized that he might potentially have been telling the truth about you and him. I thought about it then, when you were on your plane to Hong Kong. I noticed then how you were so down all the time, Jaebum was getting pissy for no reason whenever someone just touched you in any way and you weren’t talking to each other, at all.”Jinyoung hiccups again. “When Jaebum started almost-but-not-really crying when he heard you had left for schedule back in China, it just, finally really made sense to me. You and him.”
Jinyoung’s eyes are almost closed now; sleep almost over-taking him as Jackson stares at him, gaping.
“I just… I am glad that… you’ll get the chance… to work things out.”
The younger yawns once more before turning on his side and pressing his face on Mark’s face; Jackson can’t really grasp what Jinyoung’s just told him.
(Jackson feels his anger towards Jaebum slowly disappearing bit by bit.)
It’s 3:16 in the morning.
Jackson has finally been able to put Jinyoung and Mark in their respective beds, when the door to Jaebum’s room opens.
He is just heading the kitchen to get a glass of milk before he actually calls it a night (thank God) when he hears a door being opened. Jackson is way too tired to figure out who it is, just hoping it aren’t either Mark or Jinyoung wanting to puke their guts out.
“Jackson?” he hears Jaebum call out.
Startled from being called, he turns around quickly, watching Jaebum head towards him.
Jackson can’t tell how he looks like right now – Angry? Confused? Scared out of his mind? – but he guesses he doesn’t look too nice from the way Jaebum tenses immediately.
“You should have told me,” the elder says.
“Told you what?” Jackson retorts, crossing his arms.
“Told me how you felt, you shit,” Jaebum answers.
“Fuck you, man, you shouldn’t have used me only for sex,” he protests. “How am I at fault here, Jaebum?”
“I…” Jaebum sighs, throwing his hands up in the air. “You aren’t, okay? I didn’t mean to…make it seem that way right now.”
Jackson just stares at him confused and maybe a little angry, too.
“What are you trying to say, Jaebum?”
“I don’t know how to explain it!” he voices out frustrated.
“Then why come out here if you’re just going to fuck shit up even more?” Jackson spits. “If you have nothing meaningful or actually important to say, then you can just go back to your room.”
He is seriously getting so tired of this, of being angry at Jaebum to the extent he’d like to throw himself out of a window; the only thing keeping him from definitely just giving up and forgiving the other without further ado, is the memory of how he felt almost three months ago. And yes, maybe he is just being a resentful dick right now, when he knows Jaebum is trying to apologize, when he knows Jaebum is trying to work things out and trying to make Jackson feel a bit better, when he now knows Jaebum probably had been just as hurt by the whole thing as he had been, but he thinks he deserves to be an asshole, for a bit at least.
“I swear to god, Im Jaebum,” Jackson sighs, letting his arms fall back to his sides, when Jaebum still doesn’t say anything, resisting the urge to leave the room and go to sleep.
Jaebum looks up at him, eyes darting from Jackson’s face to the floor every few seconds. He looks pitiful and Jackson hates that the most, if he is honest. The fact that Jaebum’s stance is increasingly becoming more hunched over is making Jackson even weaker than he already is; he just wants to go and hug him and promise Jaebum that everything is going to be alright, that they are going to be alright, but he isn’t sure if it actually is going to be alright.
“Do you need Google Translator to express yourself or something?”
“Can you stop being an asshole about this?” Jaebum blurts out defensively, standing straight again, looking right into Jackson’s eyes now. “It’s not the easiest thing to tell someone you’re in love with them although you are a massive dick most of the time, ok?”
(Jackson’s anger has disappeared almost completely.)
“Of course it is not easy! But if you ever were or are in love with me, you wouldn’t have done what you did, Jaebum, you would have been glad to see that I am back, you would have apologized or tried to in some way!” Jackson snaps back. “Do you know how shit I felt when you disregarded me like an used tissue every time we fucked? Or when you didn’t seem to be glad to see me again? That hurt, dude. Being in love entails that you try your best for a person, even if it’s with small gestures, and you didn’t even try to do that.”
“I know, Jackson! I know! I fucking know!” Jaebum yells, his arms flailing alongside his word. “I know I fucked up, I know I treated you like shit, I know! It doesn’t mean that I can’t realize my wrongdoings and try to do best to make you forgive me!”
“And you think that you saying this now will make everything better?”
“No, I don’t,” Jaebum sighs. “But I think if we actually give it a try, we could make it work out.”
Jackson just looks at Jaebum’s imploring face; his mind going crazy thinking about what if’s and all the reasons why he should tell Jaebum to go fuck himself and leave him alone, but he is well aware that the mind will never be able to overpower his heart, so he decides to walk towards Jaebum, who is back to being tense all over the place as he follows Jackson’s steps with his eyes.
(Jackson’s anger is now non-existent.)
“You are a douche, and a dick, and you probably deserve me treating you the worst way possible on earth,” Jackson says with furrowed eyebrows, but his voice is stern and fond at the same time. “I should hate you and punch you in the face, multiple times, probably throw you out of the window and never talk again to you, but I won’t do that.”
Jaebum looks up hopefully, a smile already half way formed on his lips, knowing he has won Jackson over.
“Don’t smile,” Jackson scolds seriously. “You’re going to regret ever having apologized to me, Im Jaebum. I’ll be annoying as fuck, and clingy, and probably will need you to reassure me 24/7 that you do indeed care for me a lot more than you actually show.”
“I think I can do that.”
“You dick,” Jackson groans ere he walks even closer to Jaebum.
The elder looks surprised when Jackson hugs him tightly, face pressed against Jaebum’s chest as he inhales the other’s scent, happily. Almost an instant later Jackson feels Jaebum’s arms sneak around his shoulders too.
Jaebum kisses Jackson’s forehead before he rests his own head on Jackson’s carefully, sighing contently.
“I love you,” Jaebum whispers.
“Shut up, you greasy dick.”